The Satire Bunker
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Sanctuary Level 1
As you know, Scott McClellan, George W. Bush’s Minister of Information, is no longer with us. It took awhile, but he finally ran out of lies and has gone back to Texas, where unemployed liars can always find another job, especially if their mother is running for governor.
Join us now for a nostalgic look back at the highlights of Scotty’s career, and the top secret training sessions of his extremely temporary successor, Baghdad Bob:
White House Press Briefing
July 11, 2005
(For the sake of clarity, the remarks of Mr. McClellan have been translated from BushSpeak into English)
Q: Does the president stand by his pledge to fire anyone involved in a leak of the name of a CIA operative?
McClellan: Obviously, that pledge was just a concocted sound bite intended to mislead the American people into thinking that President Bush is a man of integrity. The president directed the White House to stonewall the investigation. In order for us to continue to obstruct justice, we made a decision that we weren’t going to comment on Karl Rove's treason.
Q: In June of 2004, the president said that he would fire anybody who was involved in this leak to the press about information. I just wanted to know: Is that still his position?
MCCLELLAN: The president was lying. He's a very accomplished liar. So far, he's lied in all 50 states and in 24 foreign countries. He can tell lies at 40,000 feet and he can tell lies at sea level. He's lied in small towns and in big cities. He's lied in the Rocky Mountains and he's lied in the Everglades. He was a liar, is a liar, and always will be a liar.
Q: Scott, on September 29th of 2003, while the investigation was ongoing, you clearly commented on it. You were the first one to have said that if anybody from the White House was involved, they would be fired. And then, on June 10th of 2004, at Sea Island Plantation, in the midst of this investigation, when the president made his comments that, yes, he would fire anybody from the White House who was involved. So why have you commented on this during the process of the investigation in the past, but now you’ve suddenly drawn a curtain around it under the statement of, 'We’re not going to comment on an ongoing investigation'?
MCCLELLAN: I know you want to get to the bottom of this, but if you get to the bottom of this everyone in the White House will end up in prison. We all think that the only way to avoid that is to continue to lie for the next three years and to keep arresting journalists. And that’s why we’re continuing to follow that approach and that policy.
Q: Scott, can I ask you this: Did Karl Rove commit a crime?
MCCLELLAN: Did the Titanic hit an iceberg? Did all the rats scurry around trying to save themselves when they realized the end was near?
Q: Good point. But do you stand by your statement from the fall of 2003, when you were asked specifically about Karl and Elliot Abrams and Scooter Libby, and you said, "I've gone to each of those gentlemen, and they have told me they are not involved in this"?
MCCLELLAN: They lied to me and I lied to you. Lying to conceal previous lies has been standard operating procedure in the Bush White House since January 20, 2001.
Q: The notion that you're going to stand before us, after having commented with that level of detail, and tell people watching this that somehow you've decided not to talk. You've got a public record out there. Do you stand by your remarks from that podium or not?
MCCLELLAN: Look! Up in the sky! A lost Cessna violating White House air space! I'm sorry, we'll have to evacuate now . . .
Q: Is Karl Rove a traitor?
MCCLELLAN: If you'll let me finish.
Q: No, you're not finishing. You're not saying anything. You stood at that podium and said that Karl Rove was not involved. And now we find out that he spoke about Joseph Wilson's wife. So don't you owe the American public a fuller explanation. Was he involved or was he not? Because contrary to what you told the American people, he did indeed talk about Wilson's wife, didn't he?
MCCLELLAN: Where does YOUR wife work? We keep track of where people's wives work, it's an essential weapon in our war against the evildoers.
Q: Do you think people will accept that, what you're saying today?
MCCLELLAN: We don’t care what they accept or don’t accept.
QUESTION: You're in a bad spot here, Scott . . . if they're all you've got left it's time to head for the Fuhrer Bunker. Because after the investigation began -- after the criminal investigation was under way -- you said, October 10th, 2003, "I spoke with those individuals, Rove, Abrams and Libby. As I pointed out, those individuals assured me they were not involved in this," from that podium. That's after the criminal investigation began.
Now that Rove has essentially been caught red-handed peddling this information, all of a sudden you have respect for the sanctity of the criminal investigation?
MCCLELLAN: Well, we're not only liars and traitors, we're hypocrites too.
Q: When did the prosecutors ask you to stop commenting on the investigation, Scott?
MCCLELLAN: They asked us to stop commenting on the investigation after Cheney visited their office ten times.
Q: The president commented on it nine months later. So was he not following the White House plan?
MCCLELLAN: He never plans to fall off his bike either, but it seems to keep happening.
Q: We are going to keep asking questions. When did the president learn that Karl Rove had had a conversation with a news reporter about the involvement of Joseph Wilson's wife in the decision to send him to Africa?
MCCLELLAN: When Gannon/Guckert told him.
Q: Does the president continue to have confidence in Mr. Rove?
MCCLELLAN: They're riding off to the Alamo together as we speak.
Q: So you're not going to respond as to whether or not the president has confidence in his deputy chief of staff?
MCCLELLAN: I think my last statement conveys the desperate nature of the situation we are in here.
Q: Has there been any change, or is there a plan for Mr. Rove's portfolio to be altered in any way?
MCCLELLAN: I can't comment on his portfolio, but his anatomy will probably be altered quite dramatically any day now . . .
Q: Newsweek put out a story, an e-mail saying that Karl Rove passed national security information on to a reporter that outed a CIA officer. Are you saying that the president is not taking any action in response to that?
MCCLELLAN: Other than riding off to the Alamo with Karl?
Q: Yes, other than that.
MCCLELLAN: They may bring a case of Lone Star with them, but don't use me as a source on that.
Q: When the leak investigation is completed, does the president believe it might be important for his credibility, the credibility of the White House, to release all the information voluntarily that was submitted as part of the investigation, so the American public could see what transpired inside the White House at the time?
MCCLELLAN: Let's just jump off one cliff at a time, shall we?
Q: Have you or the White House considered whether it would be optimal to release as much information and make it as open as possible?
MCCLELLAN: Once martial law is declared, we will release all of that information to Ken Starr. We're confident he will identify the real culprits.
Q: I’d like you to talk about the communications strategies just a little bit there.
MCCLELLAN: Understood. The president directed the White House to stonewall the investigation, and that’s what he expects people in the White House to do.
Q: Scott, who made this request of the White House not to comment further about the investigation?
MCCLELLAN: God.
As we all know, Scott McClellan hasn’t been sleeping well lately. Last night, the president’s press secretary had a nightmare about a future press briefing, in which he was called upon once again to defend the Maximum Leader.
Q: Scott, yesterday the president ran over a 77-year-old nun, Sister Mary, while riding his bike, and then fled the scene. Does the White House have any comment on this?
MCCLELLAN: We must be careful not to prejudge this unfortunate altercation, the—
Q: Unfortunate altercation? Scott, the president ran over a nun.
MCCLELLAN: As I was saying, it would not be prudent to prejudge this regrettable altercation. We’re still gathering the facts, and as soon as the facts have been determined, the president will be happy to share them with the American people.
Q: But Scott, numerous eyewitnesses are on record confirming that the president ran over Sister Mary and then fled the scene.
MCCLELLAN: I spoke to the president this morning and he assured me that he didn’t flee the scene. The scene fled him. Next question.
Q: Scott, eyewitnesses report that the president came careening around a corner in a sharp right turn, knocked Sister Mary twenty feet into the gutter, smirked, and was last seen peddling furiously for the nearby RNC building. Do you deny this?
(Brief pause as McClellan is passed a note from an aide of Vice President Cheney)
MCCLELLAN: First of all, this alleged nun is a well known stalker. She has been seen all around Washington D.C., which ominously coincides with the fact that the President has also been all over Washington D.C. I think the sinister implications of this are obvious.
Q: The White House is accusing Sister Mary of stalking the president?
MCCLELLAN: I would refer you to Senator Santorum’s comments. He has pointed out that this alleged nun is from Boston, a well-known breeding ground for pedophiles, transsexual perverts, and people who hate America. Senator Santorum happened to be one of the eyewitnesses, and informed us that this alleged nun attempted to rape the president.
Q: That’s ridiculous! The poor woman was run over by the president and left bleeding on the asphalt.
MCCLELLAN: If you’ll let me finish. We’ve been able to determine so far, without prejudging, that this alleged nun appeared out of nowhere from the left side of the road, attempted to jump on the president, and have her way with him.
(Another brief pause as McClellan is handed a note from Homeland Security)
MCCLELLAN: In fact, we’ve now learned that this alleged nun checked out a book recently from her alleged convent’s library entitled: Love Your Enemies. Consequently, the evidence is mounting that this incident was an attempted rape AND an attempted assassination.
Q: Have you no shame, Scott? At long last, have you no shame?
MCCLELLAN: I’m sick and tired of Senator Kennedy running down the United States of America! You won’t have Dick Nixon to kick around any more! I have a secret plan to end the war! I am not a crook! Henry, let’s get down on our knees and pray.
Q: Scott, you look a little pale . . .
MCCLELLAN: There is no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe, and there never will be in the Ford Administration . . .
Q: Scott? Are you OK?
MCCLELLAN: I have just outlawed the Soviet Union, bombing will begin in five minutes . . . air pollution is caused by trees.
Q: Scott, should we summon a doctor?
MCCLELLAN: Read my lips, no new taxes. Yes children, potato is spelled p-o-t-a-t-o-e. A human mind is a terrible thing . . .
Q: Uh . . .oh . . .
MCCLELLAN: I’m a uniter, not a divider! My opponent is a flip flopper! We’re experiencing catastrophic success!
Q: Someone grab him.
MCCLELLAN: Stay the (expletive deleted) course! We will (expletive deleted) prevail! Mission (expletive deleted) accomplished!
Q: Grab him!
MCCLELLAN: Incoming! Incoming! Fire in the hole! I love the smell of napalm in the morning! AAAARRRGHHH . . . .
(Brief delay while McClellan is heavily sedated and hauled away by Marine guards)
BAGHDAD BOB: Good morning everyone. I’ll be your new press secretary for the duration of this administration. We have some new rules. Les Kinsolving gets to ask all of the questions. If anyone else asks a question, Congressman King will shoot them.
Transcript of Baghdad Bob’s final practice session before he mounts the podium in the White House Press Briefing room this week as George W. Bush’s new Minister of Information.
In order to obtain his security clearance, Baghdad Bob changed his name to Crawford Bob. 45 seconds later, the Bush Administration’s exhaustive vetting process was complete, and Crawford Bob was handed every national security secret we’ve ever had.
(Inadvertently leaked by Jenna Bush to me instead of Rumsfeld. Let’s cut her some slack, Rusty and Rumsfeld are spelled almost identically alike.)
Q: “According to the president, American soldiers are battling an insurgency in Iraq on behalf of the Iraqi people. What are your feelings on this?
Crawford Bob: “My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all.”
Q: The White House has been taking some heat from Soapbox4Truth bloggers. What is your assessment of these people?
Crawford Bob: “God will roast their stomachs in hell at the hands of Iraqis.”
Q: Could you share with us the Pentagon’s latest assessment regarding the most recent insurgency defeats?”
Crawford Bob: “We have destroyed 2 of their latrines, damaged several more, and have taken away their shovels - We have driven them back.”
Q: “Are there any people in the Bush White House who tell the truth?”
Crawford Bob: “We are not even within 100 miles of the truth. We are not in any
place. We hold no place in Iraq. This is an illusion . . . we are trying to sell to the others an illusion.”
Q: Hacks for the Republican National Committee have been concocting talking points in defense of proven liars and traitors in the Bush White House. What are they doing now, and do you have any advice for these Keystone Kop RNC hacks?”
Crawford Bob: “I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that they have
started to commit suicide under the walls of the RNC. We will encourage them to commit more suicides quickly.”
Q: How are Rove and Libby reacting to the inevitability that they will soon be strapped into Ol’ Sparky for treason in a time of war?”
Crawford Bob: “They are in a state of hysteria. Losers, they think that by killing the truth and trying to distort the feelings of the people they will win. I think they will not win, those ***s.”
Q: We’ve been hearing reports from Senator Santorum that Boston has signed an alliance with the terrorists. Does the president have any plans on his desk for Operation Boston Freedom?”
Crawford Bob: “We will retake Boston. There are NO Americans there. I will take you there and show you. IN ONE HOUR!"
Q: What if the Bostonians retake the White House instead? Do you have any contingency plans for that?”
Crawford Bob: “We will welcome them with bullets and shoes.”
Q: But the Bush White House and the entire GOP are being exposed as corrupt, venal liars and serial abusers of power. Aren’t you concerned that millions of Republicans will abandon their treacherous leadership?”
Crawford Bob: “By God, I think this is rather very unlikely. This is merely a prattle. The fact is that as soon as any Republican betrays us, we will besiege them and slaughter them. Wherever they go they will find themselves encircled.”
Obviously, Crawford Bob needs some more practice before he will be ready to replace the current Minister of Information, Scott McClellan. Fortunately, Jenna is getting the hang of this leak thing, and has promised to stay in touch with me. Stay tuned for further transcripts . . . .
Transcript of Crawford Bob’s second practice session before he mounts the podium in the White House Press Briefing room this week as George W. Bush’s new Minister of Information.
(Leaked to me by Jenna Bush in exchange for a case of Old Milwaukee and a ladder)
Q: “Congressman Conyers has just posted more insightful comments on his blog about the breadth and gravity of rampant GOP abuses of power. Is the Bush Administration afraid of this noble seeker of truth?”
Crawford Bob: “There is no Congressman Conyers. We know this. Do not believe this illusion.”
Q: “There seems to have been a minor disruption on the Conye . . . on a blog last night, does the White House have any comment on this?”
Crawford Bob: “We made them drink poison last night. Our GOP trolls and their great forces gave those goat herders a lesson which will not be forgotten by history. Truly.”
Q: But from reading the relevant posts on the Con . . . on this blog, it is evident that your surrogate lied, slandered, and obfuscated. They accused Conyers blogger Sandra of murdering nursing home residents, accused Frosted Flake of not appreciating the Internets, and then proceeded to lie, slander, and obfuscate some more. Does the White House condone this kind of conduct?”
Crawford Bob: “We defeated them last night and this morning. God willing, I will provide you with more information. I swear by God, I swear by God, those Conyers donkeys, those villains, those mercenaries, we will beat them with our shoes.”
Q: The ConyersBlog Administrator has mentioned a ticking clock—“
"This Admin, this spear of the Evildoers, is being besieged between Detroit and Washington and other towns north, south, east, and west of Detroit and Washington. We are hitting this lackey of Motown from every direction. We chase Admin here and Admin chases us there. The tanks are burning and the children are fleeing, and God is roasting a lot of stomachs. And kidneys.”
Q: “Uh . . . could you clarify that for us?”
Crawford Bob: “By God, do you have ears? Listen to me, we have them surrounded, they are relying on what I called yesterday a desperate and stupid method. We’re giving them a real lesson again today. Heavy doesn’t even begin to describe the level of casualties our trolls have inflicted.”
Q: “But your guy Hank was hauled off on a troll stretcher, Van was hauled off on a stretcher, NoDummie was hauled off on a stretcher, and last night Hcocdr took 22 direct hits from Fire Base Sandra and was pounded again this morning by three cyberspace strikes from Admin. The casualties seem to be rather one-sided.”
Crawford Bob: “We will prevail.”
Q: Are you ever going to comment on Rove’s and Libby’s treason?”
Crawford Bob: “Look, this investigation does not frighten us any longer. Your questions do not frighten anyone here. We are catching them like fish in a river. I mean here that over the past two weeks we have managed to shoot down 196 questions before they hit their target.”
Q: But your media surrogates have been sounding increasingly desperate and hysterical, especially the ones on FOX.”
Crawford Bob: “When this all began, the forces of FOX News began to unleash pundits that produce a sound explosion, a very huge sound. After a while, people become deaf and can’t hear anything. But they can see nails, screws, and pieces of metal in Joe Wilson, because God has opened their eyes to his nefarious deeds.”
Q: “Yes, but it has been proven that high White House officials exposed Valerie Plame’s identity as a—“”
Crawford Bob: “Plame, that villain, that donkey, has driven her Volvo all over the United States and has shouted at startled pedestrians, ‘HI! I’M VALERIE PLAME. I’M A COVERT CIA OPERATIVE!’ This is well known. Drudge has told us this.”
Q: “That’s ridiculous!”
Crawford Bob: “God will judge what is ridiculous, and what is not. We are in control. We have placed Plame, that Harlot of Donkeys, into a quagmire from which she can never emerge except as a Hooter’s waitress.”
Q: “You should be ashamed. You should all be ashamed.”
Crawford Bob: “Shame is not worth an old shoe. We will let the liberals worry about shame. Our estimates are that none of them will come out of this alive unless they surrender to us quickly.”
Obviously, Crawford Bob is still not quite ready to replace Scott McClellan. It has been ordained that he needs to work on a few more things before he is ready to be trotted out to the White House Briefing Room to reassure Americans that their president is not a traitor, and that peace is at hand in Iraq.
Sanctuary Level 2
(Opening soon at a Satire Bunker location near you)
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