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Kudos from feline: One of the many things I love about this chatroom is knowledgable people who can instantly gratify my need to be informed, and immediately exchange ideas - I love it!

Who Are These Creatures?

Rusty

Who are these primitive life forms who call themselves Republicans? They walk upright like human beings, allegedly reproduce like human beings, and vaguely resemble some type of Homo Sapien (Hi Dr. Dobson!) but anthropological evidence overwhelmingly confirms that they have mutated into strange creatures incapable of sentient thought and devoid of any human functions other than regularly scheduled bowel movements, which they portray as political commentary.

These bowel movements are a nightly feature on retro-Stone Age programs such as Hannity and Colmes and have been interpreted by anthropologists as a prelude to some kind of mating ritual. For example, one of these creatures, known by his fellow knuckle-draggers as Hannity, frequently attempts to court females of his herd by throwing his feces at advanced life forms such as liberals, which inevitably produces howls of passion and instant ovulation in females of this primitive species.

Further study is needed before this bizarre phenomenon can be fully understood, so in the meantime, let’s ponder the spectacle of Hannity’s tribal gods and goddesses wandering around their Beltway breeding grounds, bellowing noises that Beltway pundits and corporate media impersonators of journalists relentlessly mimic, to the immense satisfaction of their high priest, whose name, Rove the Creator, is whispered with awe everywhere these creatures gather.

Anthropologists are in general agreement that this herd of creatures worships a bizarre pantheon of gods and goddesses, seven of which have been tentatively identified as Bush, Rice, Frist, Hatch, Kyl, Schmidt, and Ney. Ney has apparently been sent into exile because there’s nothing left in his hunting grounds to steal, and Schmidt has been unconscious for several months due to an unfortunate ball incident, but as their ancestor Nixon proved, neither exile nor unconsciousness disqualifies anyone from seizing power in this herd.

In addition to these developments, it is notable that the gods and goddesses identified so far all have one-syllable names, which indicates that the intellectual capacity of members of this herd is extremely limited. Related observations reveal that their gods and goddesses are actually inanimate objects, which has compelled anthropologists to conclude that retaining relevant information such as this for more than five seconds is beyond the memory capacity of ninety-eight percent of the herd. Hence, in order to explain the unexplainable, these inanimate objects have been duly deified by the herd, in accordance with Republican traditions.

One of the loudest of these creatures calls himself Mehlman. He frequently broadcasts messages from a closet studio in a Dupont Circle hideaway to flat-line the brainwaves of Beltway breeding ground pundits and journalist impersonators, transforming them into brain dead parrots. One of the most notorious of these brain dead parrots is of course David Brooks, who has been fluttering around in his cage lately, shedding feathers at an alarming rate and flooding most of Manhattan with amazing amounts of parrot urine.

Fortunately, this crazed herd of mutants is rapidly declining in numbers and is likely to become extinct by 2008, but millions of these creatures are still staggering around in a frenzy, bellowing and throwing feces at everything in sight. So if you encounter one of them in your own community, DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT. Call your local anthropologist immediately, report that you have sighted a Republican, and remain out of feces throwing range until professional help arrives on the scene and can tranquilize the aforementioned Republican with as many dart gun salvoes as necessary.

Comment # 1 ~ tahoebasha1 ~ 08/09/2006 03:27 GMT

Wonderful, Rusty. Happy, happy, happy am I. What a victory for ALL of us. You are so right, the American "Joe Blow" has spoken -- and WE ARE the determining factor. Let us hope that this victory sets a precedent for things to come. Thank you for this wonderful news and your poignant expression of it!

Comment # 2 ~ Rusty ~ 08/09/2006 03:40 GMT

Tahoe, I'm so happy right now I can't even think straight. Lamont and Connecticut came through BIG TIME for us!

Comment # 3 ~ Alma ~ 08/09/2006 04:39 GMT

Wonderful Rusty. The revolution has started and we scored a victory!

Comment # 4 ~ Rusty ~ 08/09/2006 07:24 GMT

NETROOTS! NETROOTS! NETROOTS!

Comment # 5 ~ keenekarl ~ 08/10/2006 00:53 GMT

You said it well, Rusty! They may never know our names, but now they are respecting our influence more than ever! This will be more effective at undermining the influence of lobbyists and special interests than any bogus laws enacted by the good ol' boys up there in Washington!

Comment # 6 ~ Rusty ~ 08/10/2006 01:47 GMT

When Jean Schmidt barely "wins" in OH 2, one of the reddest congressional districts in the country, and Bilbray barely "wins" in CA 50, another ultra red congressional district, and a virtual unknown takes down Lieberman, who was backed by the entire Dem establishment, an army of Beltway lobbyists, and had three times the campaign funding, it's obvious that an electoral rout of historic proportions is coming in November. I don't think Diebold machines can save these despicable RePugs from losing Congress. I think they know that too. So brace youselves for another 9/11, I'm afraid we're going to see one before Election Day.

Comment # 7 ~ Alma ~ 08/10/2006 05:17 GMT

you be on a roli Rusty. Glad to see this got picked up in the KOS diary rescue tonight.

Comment # 8 ~ Rusty ~ 08/10/2006 17:32 GMT

That was a pleasant surprise. I didn't think it was eligible for rescue yesterday because it was posted the night before. But apparently, the timeframe for rescue extends from the time one Diary Rescue article is posted until the next Diary Rescue article is posted.

Comment # 9 ~ Rusty ~ 08/10/2006 17:35 GMT

Thanks, keenekarl, it's good to see you here again.

Comment # 10 ~ Reed31463 ~ 08/11/2006 02:42 GMT

It is coming Rusty no doubt. It is just a matter of timing. I am beginning to see signs of a PNAC plan B. If it appears that even an October surprise cannont save the fascists in November, instead they may opt immediately after the election. Clues to this tactic are coming in the form of talking points and rhetoric generated by the RNC. I found this in the NYT after Ned Lamont won Tuesday night.

Even before the results in Connecticut emerged, Republicans had made clear that they would try again to make national security the central issue in the fall Congressional elections. A list of talking points issued by Republican leaders for Senate Republicans to use while on recess this month bluntly advised them to note how “there have been no terrorist attacks on American soil since 9/11.”

Comment # 11 ~ Rusty ~ 08/11/2006 22:31 GMT

I agree, Reed. It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when. These Republicans are evil to the core, they are betraying every principle America stands for, and will do anything to try and stay in power.

Comment # 12 ~ keenekarl ~ 08/16/2006 03:38 GMT

Glad to see that your letter to the editor containing the body of "We Will Never Know Their Names" got printed in the Fargo Forum since so many around here don't visit this site or Daily Kos! Once again - good job - well said!

Comment # 13 ~ Rusty ~ 08/17/2006 18:56 GMT

Thanks, keenekarl. We all have to focus more on expanding our progressive activism beyond the Internet. I'm confident your own efforts to spread our progressive message through the media in your community and area will be very successful.